Viridian City, Kanto – The body of veteran trainer Christopher “Red” Redman, age 27, was found this morning at the edge of Viridian City after a well-intentioned lesson on capturing Pokemon went horribly wrong. Experienced Pokemon capturing teacher Edwin “Super Nerd” Einstein explains.
“I’ve never seen anything like it before,” he stated. “I was just getting to the good part – telling him how to open the Balls pocket – and then BAM, there he was on the ground.”
Einstein states that the incident happened around 9:49 this morning. Nurse Joy and Officer Jenny arrived on the seen shortly after at around 10:08. Nurse Joy pronounced Redman as dead after briefly checking him for injuries. Einstein was taken in for questioning but was later released.
“This isn’t the first time we’ve seen this sort of thing,” Officer Jenny says. “You see it all the time in bigger cities. Guys and girls who’ve been on Pokemon journeys for fifteen, twenty years just drop dead when someone tries to teach them how to capture a Weedle.” Nurse Joy says: it’s a matter of stress.
“The human heart is limited in what it can handle. The sensation of anxiety as a capture tutorial looms on the horizon, the anger at being treated like a child, the agony as the teacher painstakingly explains how to select the fight command; it’s all too much and the heart just explodes. It’s such a sad way to go.”
A service will be held for Redman later this week. Meanwhile, Einstein has returned to his post, determined not to let one fallen trainer stop him from teaching the grown men of the world how to use the A button properly.
YOUNGSTER JOEY III – “MY RATTATA HAS LOWER IVs THAN MY FATHER’S RATTATA”
Cherrygrove City, Johto – It’s an experience that many young boys know. One minute you’re in a heated battle with a cute neighborhood girl, your Rattata gleaming brightly in the noonday sun as it thrusts itself into her Pokemon with Tackle after Tackle. Then suddenly, defeat – the Rattata lies limp and useless and the young lady is unimpressed by your battling skills. That’s what happened to Youngster Joey III, a neighborhood youth whose grandfather had a Rattata in the top percentage of Rattata.
“The first time it happened I thought it was just a fluke,” says Joey. “The next time, though, I started to get really worried. What if I couldn’t battle Pokemon anymore? Then girls would never like me.”
For years, doctors believed that this phenomenon was purely psychological. However, modern medicine has revealed that there might be a chemical reason for this change, the result of a newly-discovered physical attribute called “individual values.”
“You might hear them called IVs for short,” says local professor Augustine Sycamore, an expert in the study of Pokemon. “Every single Pokemon has different individual values for their various abilities. It’s what makes two Pokemon of the same species different from one another. High individual values in a particular quality, such as a Pokemon’s strength or speed, will cause that Pokemon to perform better.”
Unfortunately, if Pokemon interbreed without any sort of focus on what their child’s individual values might be, those numbers can get lower and lower with every generation.
“Joey’s Rattata has lower IVs than his father’s, and his father’s Rattata has lower IVs than his father’s,” Sycamore states. “In this modern world where Pokemon can compete in beauty contests instead of fighting to the death in the wild, natural selection doesn’t play its role and those individual values will keep dropping.”
Luckily for Joey and thousands of kids like him, there is help out there. We spoke to Nurse Joy at the local Pokemon Center about her suggestions for Pokemon with low IVs.
“Education is everything,” she says. “In addition to individual values, Pokemon also have effort values, which increase with focused training on particular strengths. Your Rattata can have better stamina. It can battle more vigorously. But it will take a proper diet and exercise routine to get those values up to where they need to be.”
Thanks to the Pokemon Center’s help, when we last spoke to Joey his Rattata was performing excellently, and he couldn’t be happier with his results.
“MOMMY SAYS I SHOULD BATTLE EVERYONE I SEE,” SAYS CHILD VICTIM OF HIGHWAY ROBBERY
Ouvert Way, Kalos – A young boy was robbed this week on the trail that connects Santalune City to the nearby forest of the same name. Oliver, a boy only four years of age, saw some older children walking down the road and decided to start a battle with them.
“It’s how we do things in Kalos,” he says. “If you see someone walking down the road, you have to fight them. Mommy told me!”
Unfortunately, Oliver and his Pokemon weren’t prepared for what happened next.
“Their Pokemon were really strong,” Oliver says through tearful eyes. “They had a big scary Zigzagoon that could Tackle my Pokemon with prickly quills. I didn’t stand a chance.”
Once they defeated Oliver’s Pokemon, the older children demanded all of his money and then laughed as they made their way towards Santalune City. Officer Jenny has advised that until these juvenile delinquents are caught, parents should discourage their children from playing on Ouvert Way.
“Gang activity in Kalos is at an all-time high,” Jenny says. “The Bug Catchers, the Swimmers, the Fairy Tale Girls – it’s just not safe to have small children running around outside while so many teenagers are out causing trouble.”
Fortunately in this case, Oliver came out of the situation unharmed. Nuzlocke News asked Oliver’s mother for a statement, but she refused to comment.
OVERACHIEVING STARTER KNOCKS OUT TRAINER’S ONE GOOD ENCOUNTER
Detourner Way, Kalos – An embittered trainer found himself grumbling at a Santalune City cafe after his Chespin brutally murdered a Pokemon he was planning to capture.
“I know I shouldn’t be mad,” says Callum Olette, 15. “He was just trying to make me proud. But I really needed a good encounter before trying to take on Viola at the gym.”
Callum journeyed all the way to Santalune City from Vaniville Town along with a group of friends. While his friends have been encountering exciting Pokemon like Pikachu, Fletchling, and Pansear, his own encounters have been somewhat less interesting.
“You can only catch so many Caterpie before you get tired of them,” he says.
While traveling on Detourner Way to check out the entrance to the Pokemon League, Callum happened to cross paths with a wild Dunsparce. Dunsparce are rare finds locally and they are considered to be one of the tougher Pokemon one can catch in this part of the country.
“I was so excited,” says Callum. “I thought to myself, ‘finally, something I can really use.’ I guess I shouldn’t have gotten attached to the idea so quickly.”
While battling against the Dunsparce, Callum did his best to weaken the Pokemon just using his Metapod. However, Dunsparce had a powerful rock type move that nearly defeated Metapod and forced Callum to switch in Chespin. When Callum ordered Chespin to bite Dunsparce, he felt it was his safest option.
“I needed Dunsparce to flinch so it would stop using Rollout,” he says. “I never imagined that Chespin would tear its throat out like that.”
Callum now only has a Metapod, a Zigzagoon, and a Chespin to take into battle against Viola later this week. He’s a little worried about his chances but thinks he’ll pull through in the end. As we ended our interview, he seemed to be in good spirits once again.
“Maybe Chespin will get another crit while I’m fighting Viola, ya know?”
ECONOMIST – “POOR PEOPLE SHOULD JUST GET BETTER AT POKEMON BATTLES”
Rustboro City, Hoenn – In response to a hashtag trending on the popular social media site MandiBUZZ, economist and president of the Devon Corporation Mr. Stone has spoken out against the outcry for more welfare programs in Hoenn.
“We have a system that’s been successful for years and years,” he says. “It’s the same system that nature uses: survival of the fittest. The guy with the strongest Pokemon is the guy with the most money. Everyone has equal access to Pokemon, so the only thing stopping you from becoming the next champion is good old fashioned hard work.”
While Mr. Stone believes that the government of Hoenn should not be responsible for families living beneath the poverty line, some of his political opponents disagree. Gym Leader Winona from Fortree City argues that Pokemon are not as accessible as some make them out to be.
“They say ‘everyone has equal access to Pokemon’ like you don’t need a ton of specialized equipment and education,” she states. “Poke Balls cost money. Medicine for your injured Pokemon costs money. And if you don’t know the relationships between different Pokemon types and the effects of moves, it can be impossible to defeat the local gym leader. Without doing that, you can’t get badges to start a career in lucrative trades like logging, construction, mining, or any of the other jobs that our country needs to thrive.”
Winona, along with a few other young gym leaders, support an upcoming bill that would provide free tuition for trainer’s schools as well as providing the basic necessities of Pokemon training for free to everyone. The bill will face strong opposition, though, as Mr. Stone has many political veterans on his side, including much of the Elite Four. Notably, though, Stone’s opposition includes his son Steven, the current Pokemon League Champion.
“I want to use my place of privilege to help the marginalized trainers of Hoenn,” Steven says. “Would I be the champion today if my father’s successful business didn’t give me opportunities to master Pokemon battling and capture rare Pokemon? I don’t think I would.”
The bill is currently under review by the Elite Four, who will vote along with the gym leaders on the final version this November.
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