Hello, adventurers, and welcome to something a little bit different! Today I’m going to be presenting you with a quiz. Not a school quiz, where you have to score a certain percentage in order to pass. That would be ridiculous, and it would be tough for me to verify that you didn’t cheat. Impossible, even. No, instead of that, I’ll be presenting you with a quiz which will allow you to discover something you have definitely always wanted to know: if you lived in the Mushroom Kingdom, what kind of wacky creature would you be?
There are all kinds of weird things living in Mario land: little people with mushroom hats, fire-breathing turtles, dinosaurs that turn their food into eggs, and creepy mask-people with no face. Yet despite the quirky nature of the kingdom’s inhabitants, many of us have fallen in love with these critters over the years. This quiz will allow you to determine once and for all, with no doubt in your mind, which creature you would be.
Here’s how it works: I present you with a series of questions that each have multiple choice answers. You answer each question with the option that fits you the closest. Keep track of your answers on your phone, a scrap sheet of paper, or a sticky note on your computer. At the end, you’ll tally them up and determine once and for all exactly what kind of crazy Mario critter you are!
Question One: You are walking in a straight line and have been for quite some time. As you walk, you see the edge of a cliff looming up ahead. The cliff hangs over a long drop which would surely lead to your demise. What do you do?
A – Steel myself for the inevitable and keep walking. It’s what I have to do.
B – I mean, turn around? I’m definitely not plummeting to my death.
C – As I fall, I’ll use my final act to throw my friend up to the other side to safety.
D – I think cowering in place is probably the best option here.
Question Two: You’re invited to participate in a Mario Party minigame where the players try to stomp on as many bad guys as they can. What are you doing?
A – Getting stomped, of course. The party wouldn’t be fun unless someone got stomped.
B – Let those suckers try stomping me – I’ll just hide where they can’t get me!
C – I’ll be one of the players! I love helping people stomp things.
D – Can I just announce who won? That seems safest.
Question Three: It’s the final lap of the last race in the Mario Kart Grand Prix and you’re in first! Suddenly, a blue shell starts screeching towards you! What do you do?
A – Take the hit and settle for second. Second is pretty good for a guy without arms.
B – Throw a green shell backwards to intercept the blue shell.
C – Hit the brakes. It’ll blow up everyone behind me and I’ll still win!
D – Put the pedal to the metal, scream, and hope I outrun the shell.
Question Four: How do you feel about Mario RPGs?
A – They pay the bills, I guess. I’m getting stomped either way.
B – The originals were way better. These days they’re just bland and repetitive.
C – I feel like I am grossly underrepresented in the RPG titles.
D – Sticker Star is my favorite!
Question Five: Do you think Peach and Bowser have a little something-something going on that Mario doesn’t know about?
A – Politics are above my paygrade. That stuff doesn’t affect a working stiff like me.
B – Obviously! Bowser is awesome and Peach should totally love him!
C – Of course not! Peach would never betray Mario for that kidnapping freak!
D – …uh, your answer is in another castle.
Question Six: Pick a Box – it’s contents will help you on your way!
Question Seven: If you had to go to the doctor and Dr. Mario was the only doc in town, would you still go?
A – Am I supposed to go? I’ll go if I am supposed to.
B – Never! I’ll die of blue viruses before I pop that quack’s pills!
C – No, but that’s because my weird digestive system makes medicine worthless.
D – Isn’t Mario a plumber? When’d he get his medical license?
Question Eight: A train leaves Toad Town heading west at 75 miles an hour. Another train leaves Poshley Heights heading east at 99 miles an hour. If Toad Town and Poshley Heights are 3752 miles apart, how long will it take for the trains to meet?
A – I don’t know, but I like those trains. They’re in it til the bitter end.
B – Longer than they deserve, driving towards each other like that.
C – I turned into a train once.
D – Aren’t Toad Town and Poshley Heights on different continents?
Now tally up your answers! If you have a majority of one letter, then you can skip ahead to the results! If you are tied in two or more categories, you need to answer this final bonus question! Only choose an answer from whichever letters are tied for you!
Tiebreaker Question: Is Adventure Rules the coolest blog you’ve ever read?
A – Yeah, that guy knows how to keep on keeping on and just do what he’s supposed to.
B – Heck yes, the only cooler blog out there is King Bowser’s!
C – Of course, that’s the whole reason I have an internet connection!
D – Absolutely! That blog is never scary, not once!
Finally got it narrowed down to just one letter? Great! Time for your results!
If you mainly answered A, then you are…
A Goomba! Goombas are described as “the underlings of underlings,” but that’s totally okay. You know what you’re supposed to do and you play your role rain or shine. If it weren’t for hardworking guys and gals like you, endlessly walking forward in a straight line towards cliffs that plunge into oblivion, there wouldn’t be any heads for the successful people to step on during their climb to the top. Just remember to take some “me” time every now and again – you deserve it!
If you mainly answered B, then you are…
A Koopa! Koopas are the footsoldiers of Bowser’s forces and just smart enough to turn around when headed towards danger. Their shells are useful for many things, serving as armor and clothing as well. Underneath that hard exterior, Koopas are just boxer-wearing softies, and sometimes it is going to be important for you to embrace your softer side. And remember, while it’s okay to support King Bowser in the privacy of your own home, be sure not to talk about him outside – no one wants to hear that kind of talk, after all!
If you mainly answered C, then you are…
A Yoshi! You’ve got some seriously weird physiology, my friend. Your tongue is as long as your body, anything you eat turns into an egg which your babies hatch from, and you can transform into mechanical vehicles. But hey, versatility is important, and no one could ask for a more loyal friend than you. You’ll die for the people you care about, but even though you’re little more than a glorified pet, you’ll never settle for anything less than being part of the main team. Enjoy that permanent spot on the Olympic team!
If you mainly answered D, then you are…
A Toad! No, not like a frog. Just a small mushroom child with a plump little belly and a big goofy hat. You have all kinds of qualities that make you perfect for totally mundane positions like cashier, barista, receptionist, and telemarketer. Your overly-cautious nature may strike some as being a scaredy-cat, but we know that’s not the case. You just don’t like to take risks, and you’ve seen your princess captured one too many times to start doing things like fighting bad guys, jumping off cliffs, or going to the bathroom without all the lights on.
Well there you have it, adventurers, your very own Mario race! If you enjoyed this quiz, consider checking out the other quizzes I’ve done; I have a Pokemon quiz, a superpower quiz, a D&D alignment quiz, and a Halloween special from back when I used to do this segment regularly. Remember to come back tomorrow to vote on which old segment should make a comeback, and be sure to read the other segments so you know which one you like the best. Thanks for reading!