Kingdom in Crisis! New Ruler, New Rules! – Bulletin Bill 01/29/17

Toad Town – Citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom are having trouble adjusting to the policies and practices of their new ruler.

Subjects all across the Kingdom were shocked last Friday when a moldy tome discovered on a tall shelf that was particularly hard to reach revealed an obscure decree: the Kingdom is not to be ruled by a princess. In the event that a woman could hold the highest position of power in the Mushroom Kingdom, she must be replaced immediately by a competent male. While the general public felt that the ruling of the kingdom should fall to Princess Toadstool’s steadfast companion Mario, the council of elders at the palace felt differently.

Dark Prognosticus.jpg
Pictured here is the law book that turned the Kingdom on its head.

“If Mario takes the throne, we’re really just going to be living under Princess Peach again,” stated Toadsworth, Royal Advisor to the princess. “And that would effectively violate our newly-discovered law. It is our belief that this law was written for good reason. After all, it is an objective truth that men are better at being in charge than women. Men get kidnapped much less often. So while the overwhelming majority of the Mushroom Kingdom’s citizens feel that Mario is the best fit, we are choosing to ignore that majority and instead make a decision based on our own personal evaluation of what is best for our Kingdom. As such, we are planning to choose the second most famous man in the Kingdom instead: Wario.”

It was this reasoning that led the Council of Elders to crown Wario, the famed business tycoon, King of the Mushroom Kingdom.

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King Wario (left) stands side-by-side with his new Royal Advisor, Waluigi (right)

“It’s a great honor to be, uh, your king and stuff,” Wario said at his coronation. “And don’t worry, because I’ve got big plans. And they’re good plans, you betcha! Our Kingdom has been wimpy for too long. Our princess got kidnapped like, once a week. So my policy is going to be to do everything we can to give the Mushroom Kingdom a big ole Super Shroom and make our country strong again. Ooh, someone should write that down, it could be my, uh, slogan, or something.”

In the week since King Wario took the throne, he has made a number of sweeping declarations that seek to drastically change the face of the Mushroom Kingdom. These declarations mainly target hot-button political issues that many criticized about Princess Toadstool’s reign. Specifically, King Wario intends to drastically increase military spending in order to increase both internal security and the security of the borders. His goal is to keep out potential Koopa terrorists.

Many citizens are outraged by these declarations, particularly the Koopa community already living in the Mushroom Kingdom. We spoke to one such Koopa, a celebrity by the name of King K.

Pictured here is King K, a professional fighter

“Listen, B-Money, this ain’t right,” said K. “You can’t just keep us Koopas out, you dig? Lots of us came here running away from Bowser and the Koopa Klan. You can’t just throw us under the bus now, dog. That’s a lot of innocent shorties gettin’ dragged out there by that madman.”

King Wario insists that his Koopa ban will not affect all members of the Koopa race – only those who wear sunglasses. “Everyone knows the Koopas with sunglasses are the bad ones. Keep them out, and we’ll be safer for it.”

When asked for a response to this statement, King K just shrugged and said “Bowser don’t wear sunglasses.”

An artist’s rendition of Bowser, who indeed does NOT wear sunglasses

Many citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom empathize with King K and people like him, and as a result they have taken to the streets. Toads are rowdily protesting by standing in the middle of the street while people are trying to go to work, and by refusing to say “excuse me” when they accidentally bump into someone while walking. Other groups are taking advantage of this opportunity to express their frustrations as well.

A particularly large march took place earlier this week as Yoshis from all over the Kingdom gathered together to march for Egg Utilization Rights. Yoshis of all colors marched down the streets of many of the Kingdom’s major cities, including Rogueport, Delfino, and of course Toad Town. They were joined by supporters of all races, from Toads to Koopas and even a few Birdos.

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A Yoshi Egg

“People who aren’t Yoshis don’t understand the idea of Egg Utilization,” one protester explained. “They’re so much more than just eggs. They have so many applications. Demolition, self-defense – we even use our eggs to knock food down from the tops of particularly tall trees. If you’re not a Yoshi, you can’t possibly understand our way of life and make decisions about how we treat our eggs.”

These protests come in the wake of declarations by King Wario that he and a group of Toad elders will be making decisions about how Yoshis treat their eggs.

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Krus T. Oldman

While King Wario’s coronation and his subsequent actions have frustrated the overwhelming majority of Mushroom Kingdom citizens, there are a few who support his rise to power. Just this morning we spoke with Krus T. Oldman, who had this to say:

“I for one am glad to see a regular man on the throne. We’ve lived under kings and princesses for years and years. They sit all high-and-mighty on their thrones, making decisions that affect the everyday folk without understanding what it’s like to BE everyday folk. King Wario gets that, you know? He gets what it means to work hard by the sweat of your brow every day for what you want.”

Actual picture of Wario working by the sweat of his brow and being #relatable

Regardless of what you might think of King Wario, one thing is for sure – he’s certainly going to keep things interesting while he’s on the throne.

Hey, adventurers! I was hit quite suddenly with this idea during the week and I really wanted to give it a try. I guess you can call this my version of “alternative facts.” Besides, my very first post on Adventure Rules was a comparison of Mario politics to American politics, and honestly I think the parallels still hold up. Maybe Nintendo is trying to tell us something…anyway, if you enjoy this sort of content, please let me know. You might be able to convince me to bring it back in the future!

*subtle wink*

Meanwhile, let’s do a-

NEXT WEEK’S POST: Not sure for Sunday, but expect a February 1st update post!
UPCOMING EVENTS: Fire Emblem Heroes releases for mobile on Thursday, February 2nd
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT: My Reaction to the Fire Emblem Direct

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