Cordially, Grown-Up Gamers

Dear Mario,
You and Peach seriously need to DTR. That’s Define The Relationship. Your casual adult romance is too confusing for my children.
Cordially,
Grown-Up Gamers

Dear Harvest Moon,
Next game, can you please have the option to date adult women and men? A 25-year-old man bringing gifts to 16-year-old girls every day is kind of disturbing.
Cordially,
Grown-Up Gamers

Dear JRPGs,
THIRTY IS NOT OLD!
Cordially,
Grown-Up Gamers

Dear Metroid,
Thank you for being the one Nintendo series that acknowledges our existence.
Cordially,
Grown-Up Gamers

Dear Metroid: Federation Force,
Disregard our first letter. We hate you.
Cordially,
Grown-Up Gamers

Dear Mario Kart,
I have never been so angry at people I have never met. My daughter learned the F-Bomb because of you. I hope you’re happy.
Cordially,
Grown-Up Gamers

Dear Zelda,
Please stop friend-zoning Link. We get it, you shouldn’t have to be with him just because he rescues you. You’re a strong independent woman and that’s okay. But seriously, in Skyward Sword you two were best friends and he totally loves you not because you’re a princess or a goddess but because he loves you as a person. So seriously, give the guy a chance. Thirty years of childhood hopes and dreams are riding on you, girl. Don’t crush them.
Cordially,
Grown-Up Gamers

Dear Super Mario Team,
You know you can make a Mario game with a storyline, right? Contrary to what Jimmy Kimmel says, we do know how to read.
Cordially,
Grown-Up Gamers