It’s Halloween, and that means that tonight everyone will be running around pretending to be a monster. Whether it’s a zombie, a serial killer, or a nurse whose skirt is too short, everyone is going to be wearing some kind of horrifying costume. But there’s a hidden danger to wearing costumes, a danger that no one considers.
Those courageous goody-two-shoes with their quests and their maidens and their experience points are always trying to defeat monsters. Tonight, it’s important that you know what kind of heroes are going to be coming to murder you. And to know that, you have to know what kind of monster you are.
To discover your monstrous side, I’ll be using the classic four hero types as represented in the tabletop card game Boss Monster. Fighters, magicians, clerics, and thieves are all anxiously waiting for monsters to slay, and you need to be prepared for the one that’s most likely to hunt you down.
This quiz has six sections each comparing two of four possible categories: Brains, Brawn, Glory, and Greed. As you answer questions, keep a tally of which options you are choosing in each section. If neither option is really your opinion, don’t fret! Just choose the closest one and keep going. After all six sections are done, simply add up your answers to see which of the four categories you have the most in. And that will reveal your monster type!
Section One: Brains versus Brawn
1.) In school, your most notable accomplishments were largely:
Brains – Academic or artistic
Brawn – Athletic or mechanical
2.) A measly hero has dared to enter your dungeon. You’d prefer to crush him with:
Brains – Traps and magic; strategy can destroy some heroes that brute force can’t
Brawn – Scary monsters; the only real way to beat a hero is to be stronger than him
3.) Another monster is moving in on your territory. How will you drive her away?
Brains – I’ll bother her and interfere with her until she leaves
Brawn – I’ll simply do better than her at everything to prove my superiority
4.) What do you fear more?
Brains – The heroes who seek to conquer me
Brawn – The other monsters and their scheming
5.) The best dungeons are the ones that:
Brains – Make me stronger and more versatile as heroes die within its walls
Brawn – Crush my enemies with single-minded purpose
Section Two: Glory versus Greed
1.) Which of these do you live for?
Glory – A life of purpose and meaning
Greed – A life of material pleasure
2.) What kind of hero is the most dangerous?
Glory – Someone who fights only for profit
Greed – Someone who fights for a senseless cause
3.) You prefer to crush your enemies with:
Glory – Monstrous force; heroes are meant to fall in fair combat
Greed – Clever traps; heroes are suckers who fall for anything
4.) Which statement more accurately represents your beliefs?
Glory – Death is simply a new beginning; there is no need to fear it
Greed – Sacrifice is necessary if you want to be the winning monster
5.) Which has more potential: something already discarded or something yet to be revealed?
Glory – That which was discarded; one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Greed – That which is not revealed; you should always have a trick up your sleeve
Section Three: Brains versus Glory
1.) Which knowledge is more valuable: knowledge of our current world or knowledge of the next?
Brains – Knowledge of our current world; best to focus on the here and now
Glory – Knowledge of the next world; best to invest in what comes after death
2.) Which hero is more dangerous to you?
Brains – One who knows something you don’t
Glory – One who fights for what he believes in
3.) Where does magic come from?
Brains – Elemental forces of our world
Glory – Divine powers from beyond our world
4.) Which monster is more attractive to you: one with a clever mind or one with a kind heart?
Brains – A clever mind; kindness doesn’t help if you can’t have a good conversation
Glory – A kind heart; knowledge is meaningless if it makes you cruel
5.) Why are fighters foolish heroes?
Brains – They fight with their muscles instead of their mind
Glory – They fight for themselves instead of fighting for a cause
Section Four: Brawn versus Greed
1.) Who is more useful to you – the monster you can’t do without or the monster you can sacrifice without a second thought?
Brawn – The monster you can’t do without; strong servants are key to victory
Greed – The monster you can sacrifice; if it helps, great, if not, no skin off my nose
2.) Magic is only useful when:
Brawn – It draws in heroes for me to crush and harvest
Greed – It defeats heroes I cannot quite defeat myself
3.) A powerful hero has almost made it through your dungeon. You can crush her, but you’ll also crush your most useful room. What do you do?
Brawn – Let her come. I may be wounded, but that room will be useful later
Greed – Crush her. I can rebuild a room easier than rebuild my bones
4.) Which do you trust more: a trap or a monster servant?
Brawn – The servant. He can take orders and make his own decisions
Greed – The trap. It always does what I want and never betrays me
5.) Which is the better reward for victory: more power or more money?
Brawn – Power to lead to even more victories
Greed – Money to retire in wealth and comfort
Section Five: Brains versus Greed
1.) Why is knowledge valuable to you?
Brains – Understanding our world is important and makes us better monsters
Greed – Secrets give me power to manipulate or defeat other monsters
2.) The best laid plans of mice and men:
Brains – Are always successful if they truly are best laid
Greed – Often go awry, so better have a back-up plan
3.) Monsters are best:
Brains – As servants; they can brew potions and prepare valuable spells
Greed – As cannon fodder; what better bait for a hero trap than a monster to slay?
4.) Magic is best:
Brains – The moment you need it. Why have it if you won’t use it?
Greed – As a last resort. Magic is difficult to come by and should be preserved
5.) Another monster has reached their ultimate power and wrecked a section of your dungeon. Be honest: how do you feel?
Brains – Devastated; my dungeon was carefully designed and just how I like it
Greed – Accepting; my dungeon is constantly changing anyway
Section Six: Brawn versus Glory
1.) Why do you revel in battle?
Brawn – I love testing my strength against others
Glory – I love proving the righteousness of my cause to others
2.) Magicians aren’t trustworthy:
Brawn – Because their tactics are cowardly and weak
Glory – Because their power is unnatural and wicked
3.) Which is more helpful: a powerful servant with no special abilities, or a weak servant that can do something very unique?
Brawn – The powerful servant. Heroes fall to the strong, not the “unique”
Glory – The unique servant. That ability may be a turning point when strength fails
4.) What is your greatest fear?
Brawn – That I will die unremembered
Glory – That I will die unaccomplished
5.) Money is only good for one thing:
Brawn – Buying more weapons, armor, dungeon rooms, and servants
Glory – Paying it as homage to the forces that truly deserve it
Now remember, you need to tally up your answers for all six sections. If you somehow end up with a tie, then look at the section where your tied categories faced off – whichever one won is the one for you.
If you answered mostly Brawn, then you are a Beast! Whether you’re big and scaly, big and hairy, or big and leathery, you are the biggest and scariest monster around. Your strength is renowned all over and fighters travel far and wide to face you in gory and glorious battle. They want to face you simply to see who is strongest, but we already know the answer – you.
If you answered mostly Brains, then you are a witch or warlock! Twisted by the magical powers you command, you rely on magic for pretty much everything. Careful planning goes a long way when facing the pesky magicians that want to murder you and steal your magical secrets. But you know things they never could, and you’ll unravel their flesh and bones before they ever reach your doorstep.
If you answered mostly Greed, then you are a mummy! Holed up in an ancient tomb covered in deadly booby traps, the treasure you guard is the perfect attraction for thieves from all over. But those thieves have to be very smart to outwit the clever mechanisms that protect your stash, and you’re willing to destroy the dungeon that guards your treasure before you let someone sneak away with it.
If you answered mostly Glory, then you are an undead! Vampire or lich or even a demon, you serve a power that goes beyond this world. That service gives you power, and more importantly, purpose – something to accomplish with your unlife. Of course, heroic clerics wish to strike you down to honor the causes that they stand for, but when it comes to faith, yours will stand the test of time.
I hope you enjoyed this quiz and didn’t find the format too terribly confusing! I’ve gotta keep these things interesting, so expect more quirky formats in the future. Let me know in the comments what your results were and if you are excited to finally know your monster type. And remember, watch out for those heroes this Halloween – if you don’t watch your back, they’ll slay you in a heartbeat.