7 Wizard Spells that Every Parent Needs

For the very first edition of Tabletop Tuesday, I’m delving into Vin Diesel’s favorite tabletop RPG: Dungeons and Dragons. As a parent, there are definitely times when I wish I had something supernatural on my side to help me take care of my child. While not every spell will be useful for every child, I compiled this list because parents with kids of all ages need a little magic in their lives.

Two notes. One, these spells comes from D&D 3.5, not from the most recent edition. I’m too cheap to own that. Two, these specific spells were chosen for practicality. The material components needed to cast them are simple objects that any person could reasonably acquire. So without further ado, let’s get casting!

Spell #1: Comprehend Languages
This spell is the one I want more than anything. When you have an infant, the child can’t tell you what’s wrong. You have to learn to decipher specific cries. There’s the food cry, the sleepy cry, the diaper change cry…and there’s only so many subtle differences a cry can have. Luckily, with just a pinch of soot and a few grains of salt, you can give yourself the power to hear exactly what your screaming infant is trying to say. No more feeding, then changing, then rocking, then feeding again, only to realize that she just wanted you to hold her facing outward.

Spell #2: Darkvision
For parents whose child is scared of the dark. All this spell needs is a carrot. Just grind it up and then wait for it to dry out. Then at nighttime when your child is worried about monsters in the closet, just sprinkle some of the dry carrot over his head. He’ll be able to see that there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Spell #3: Locate Creature
Kids disappear. Sometimes, they just get lost in a huge crowd at Disneyland. Other times, they sneak out with their friends to go to a Drake concert. Whether toddler or teenager, this spell will lead you to your child by giving you a sixth sense that pings whenever you are looking in the direction that your child is in. It even lets you know if your child is stationary or moving. All you need to get the spell working is a tuft of fur from a bloodhound. If you’re a hunter, you’re already set!

Spell #4: Invisibility
For those times when you can’t stand to hear the word “Mom” one more time. Invisibility allows you to disappear for a little while, giving you that alone time you desperately need. To cast this spell, pluck an eyelash and then coat it in gum arabic. Now if you, like me, don’t know what gum arabic is: gum arabic is sap from a particular species of acacia tree, and it’s used in certain types of food and in glue (thanks Wikipedia!). So next time you need to get away for a little while, dip an eyelash into a glue bottle and enjoy being completely invisible.

Spells #5-6: Ray of Exhaustion and Sleep
Okay, these two spells kind of go together, but they each have different advantages. The Ray of Exhaustion just makes your child really tired. She’s not guaranteed to go to sleep, but the ingredient is very easy to find. All you need is a drop of sweat and BANG, sleepy kid. The Sleep spell requires more detailed ingredients: either rose petals, very fine sand, or a living cricket. However, it puts all your kids to sleep instead of one. And it works instantly – no risk of your child throwing an exhausted temper tantrum. As the parent of a three month old who refused to go back to bed after waking up at six AM this morning, I personally think the cricket is worth the effort.

Spell #7: Summon Monster
“Wait a minute. Monster? Aren’t kids scared of those?” Drink a Potion of Lesser Chill, readers. The Summon Monster spell just summons a magical creature. So instead of a bunny, you get a magic bunny. Or a magic dog. Get the idea? This spell gives your child all the fun of having a pet without having to worry about the actual taking-care part. Just put an unlit candle into a small bag and throw it on the ground. Then watch in wonder as your child’s new best friend appears out of nowhere. Be sure to spay or neuter that thing.

And there you have it! Hopefully those magical wonders will make the difficult task of parenting a little easier. Are there any parenting problems that you wish there was a spell for? Talk about it in the comments, and who knows: maybe there’s a spell that will suit your specific needs.

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