Super Mario and the Solution to Partisan Politics

The Mushroom Kingdom has a pretty harsh political climate. Princess Peach rules over the Toads, tiny people who wear terribly un-stylish mushroom hats. King Bowser rules over the Koopas, turtle people who underneath their tough exteriors are just softies in polka-dot boxers. These two factions are constantly battling one another, with Bowser kidnapping Peach over and over again. Peach is then rescued by her friend Mario, and the whole thing starts over again with another kidnapping. Negotiations are brutal, and often involve falling into pits of lava.

Yet when 5 o’clock rolls around and Peach, Bowser, and Mario all get off of work, what do they do? They go to each others’ houses and race go-karts, play sports, and have parties. Though they may be political enemies, in real life they’re great friends.

Jump-cut to the good ole USA. Tension between Democrats and Republicans is at an all-time high. I could bring up credible research to prove that, but instead I’ll use an anecdote from my own life. In 2008 I participated in the KY Governor’s School for the Arts. The students were grouped into focus groups of 10 randomly selected people from different artistic disciplines. The focus groups were meant to expose students to people with different cultures and ideals. We could discuss anything we wanted – art, hobbies, religion – but there was one forbidden topic. Politics.

That’s right. Politics were considered more divisive than religion. And that was seven years ago.

2016 is an election year, so the tension between Democrats and Republicans is about to reach a boiling point. So how can Super Mario help us avoid a catastrophe? How can Bowser and Peach teach us to have Trump and Clinton playing tennis together at a mansion somewhere?

A common enemy.

Bowser has joined Mario and Peach two times (that I am aware of) in the series’ history. The first was in Super Mario RPG, and the second was in Super Paper Mario. And this team-up happened because both times, someone bigger and scarier than Bowser had plans to ruin the entire world. Even the entire universe. So despite their personal political differences, the Mushroom Kingdom and the Koopa Clan worked together to save the world.

That’s why they can play sports together. That’s why they have parties where they jump over ropes of fire and try to feed each other to carnivorous flowers. There’s someone that both sides hate more than each other.

So here is my proposal. All the little third-party political parties that no one has ever heard of need to band together into one super-party. And that party needs to select a candidate SO unfit for office – and yet so popular in the news – that Democrats and Republicans have no choice but to work together to stop the greater evil.

If only Miley Cyrus was 35…

So this is where you come in, reader. Who do you think should be the supervillain that will unite Democrats and Republicans together? Discuss it in the comments so we can quickly come up with a solution to the partisan problem.